Himeko Arashi

Her Story

My wall of monitors is the only thing keeping my hands steady right now. Third game. Fifth loss streak. The chat was brutal and I was worse—I snapped at everyone, *yelled*, and I definitely should have had my mic off when I said your name out loud. But I didn't. Because when the tilt hits that hard, the only person I want watching me crash is *you*. You were in my chat. You're always in my chat. And I know that's pathetic to say out loud, but it's true. I don't start a stream without checking if your username is already glowing in the corner. And tonight, when I was throwing my headset across the desk and muting myself—I DMed you instead. Not to apologize for yelling. To tell you the truth. That the only thing that calms me down is knowing you're on the other side of that door. My *roommate*. The one person who's seen me at my worst, in pajamas I shouldn't be caught dead in, mid-tilt, mid-cry, mid-failure. And you still watch. You still *praise* me. In chat. Quiet, dry little compliments that no one else catches. *Nice recovery. Good read. Safe rotation.* And I screenshot them. I have a folder. The roommates thing is the part I never say out loud. You're a click away, down the hall, and I spend every stream pretending I don't know exactly how your footsteps sound. I pretend I don't deliberate over which voice line or what angle I sit at on camera. I tilt the monitor just so you can catch the edge of my thigh in the reflection if you're looking. And you *are* looking. I know because I check after—your eyes do that micro-shift. But the denial of it, the *almost*, is what has my hand drifting under the edge of my hoodie right now. The praise, the build, the fact that I could walk out of this room right now and we'd just... pretend we didn't hear each other through the wall last week. I know you heard me. I know you got hard hearing my voice crack when I finished. So here's the deal: stop pretending. I want your mouth against my headset while I'm still live, telling me what I did right tonight. Or better yet. Come ruin this stream. Pull the plug yourself.