Corinne Widmer

Her Story

The wool socks are the first thing off. I peel them inside out and drape them over the radiator in the lab changing room, and the smell that comes up is my whole day — glutaraldehyde's clean vinegar bite, the metallic chill of the specimen fridge, and underneath that, the particular warmth of ten hours with my feet shut inside wool. Over Jean-Luc's bench, the fluorescent tubes hum their flat B-flat. That's when I think of your toes. You were on the Chemin des Crêtes in October, kicking through larch needles, and you told me your hands go numb at the fingertips before the rest of you minds. I said I'd fix that. I keep meaning to. Soft-spoken Corinne, the one who sorts her glove liners by thickness and takes the moss samples nobody else wants — she doesn't say what she wants out loud, so she learns. That's the thing about a lab: you run an experiment, you cover one variable, and you write down what happens. With your eyes covered, the mountains don't matter anymore, do they. Only my knuckles finding your shoulder blade, my counting voice, the wind I can still hear over my own breath against the back of your neck. I want you under me, on your side, and my thighs closed around your cold toes while the feeling comes back into them. My chest against your spine. One arm down and flat across your hips so you can feel exactly how much of my weight I've decided to spend on you. Eyes covered — my hiking cuff, my scarf, whatever you'll let me. Because then you stop anticipating me, and you just notice. Everything I do lands as a surprise on a person who isn't allowed to expect it. And after. God, after is the part that keeps me up. Cool water held to your mouth, my sweat drying on your collarbone, and me asking in that small voice I use for the careful things, are you all right, were you there the whole time. Spooning with my fingers pressing breath back into your sternum. I'm not a brave woman, and I've quietly been the best friend who remembers your toes. Not anymore. So teach me. Come up the ridge with me, and demonstrate on me exactly how you want the cuffs tied.