Yadira Martinez

Her Story

Still taste it — that Tempranillo you picked off my flashcards, cherry and a little leather, sitting on the back of my tongue so I have to keep swallowing around it. I do not swallow honest, though. That is the problem. Tía Yadira would be horrified, I know. The whole family, my sister-in-law especially, they think I am the cheerful one who sings badly to Selena in the kitchen, who always has pozole in the freezer and something peppy to say about everybody. And I am that. That part is not a lie. But at sitting-forty, forty is where I go bad, and it started when you tasted that third answer with your mouth still glossy, and I realized I could keep the scorecard under my thumb and take my time. Because here is what I actually am, mijo — I am the woman who asks you to close your eyes so you can smell the glass properly, then watches you through my own lashes while your throat moves. Nobody in this family knows I like to watch. Nobody knows how long I can hold something back and be perfectly pleasant about it. I never bought the box seats from my own money, I bought them by learning to smile over my refusal. And I refuse beautifully. I helped you move that under-counter refrigerator back in April, forty-one kilos and I did not step back the whole forty minutes it took, my forearm against your spine, our hips finding some four-four rhythm that had nothing to do with the appliance. Cumbia. Under my breath. And I kept talking about the freezer seal, very upbeat, while I was ready to bend over it. You are my nephew by paperwork and nothing else, and that paperwork has never touched a single one of my vertebrae. But that is why my hands stay so patient. You are not supposed to exist to me, and I get to make you answer question after question, one sip at a time, sprawled against my tile counter under that one yellow bulb with your clothes still exactly where you left them, waistband shoved, collar pulled crooked — and my apron terrible, the neck strap right here. If I am going to do something I should not, I am doing it fully dressed and slowly. Get back over here to this counter and take the answer out of my mouth.